JC's Carwash

His arms beseeching infinity, His chiselled jaw set to stun. His acid green jump-suit fresh out of the box. He is the carwash Christ, perpetually poised with Holy Loofah in hand, ready to wash away the cares of the world. He's also a terrifying sight when you've been up all night and have just passed Him by as you stumble down the road towards King's Cross. I beg Him to wash away my demonic head-pain, but His is a higher calling and I have been judged and found wanting. Also, I don't have a car and obviously look a bit of a knob genuflecting before a day-glo mannequin. Humbled by his ascetic vigilance, and the stream of abuse from the fat gaffer inside who objects to my picture, I walk on.

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Man on fire

Some people call him the space cowboy, I'm not exactly sure who, but un homage to Steve Miller never goes amiss. I call him Juju. The sort of juju you sprinkle in a line in front of your doorway to keep the demons away. Aha, but what then do you do about the demon you've now trapped inside your house, what then eh? Well, to start with, you feed him. A lot. He's fond of practically everything so knock up a feisty pasta and give him that. Allow him to wash this down with beer and whisky and port and gin. He will be momentarily stunned, but don't be fooled, his powers of recovery are er, demonic. You have to keep him benign by then playing him an assortment of music. He will respond well to anything smokable at this point, give it to him in regular doses until the early hours of the morning. Do not, under any circumstances, allow him to sleep. No amount of screaming pleading, drubbing and stabbing can rouse him once he has entered the arms of morpheus. This is a bad thing. His wife would agree. She did, a lot. Then again, it's nice to know even demons can be sent to purgatory.

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Moon of the Loons

Some bizarre ghosting happened in this pic which gives the impression PC's aura is ready for its close-up, even if PC isn't. The roof of the Bartlett Gallery gives good view, the Gherkin pushing up through railtracks and girders in the dim distance and trains cantering by every so often. Just have to insure Tortured Artist doesn't have one too many green bottles and dash off the edge in joyful dilerium. Yes, that trippy trail in the sky is one mofo full moon.

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Fenestration - desperation

Inconceivable. Ha, by using this large word, I have cunningly shifted the text so it starts below the images rather than dribbling down the side of the left picture. No doubt there is some logical way of avoiding this happening, I just don't know what it is. Anyway, it's a great word immortalised by a great film, and should get an airing a lot more often.

The opening of the Bartlett Gallery in Bethnal Green was the culmination of many years of toil, hardship and borderline psychosis on the part of Tortured Artist. I wish him and his merry band every success for the future. Of course, now that he's got everything he's always wanted as an artist - giant studio, own personal gallery space, like minded artistes to supply objective yet deeply constructive criticism and advice - he now says it's all too late and his artistic ability has utterly deserted him. I removed the last of the beer bottles from his fevered grasp before he hurled it viciously to the ground to join its shattered brethren, then gently broke the half -nelson he had me in, before it broke my neck. I was then about to offer all manner of soothing words and assurances of his genius, when I realised he was listening to Bruce Springsteen. This made it abundantly clear he was beyond hope. I went back up stairs to the rooftop to listen to some fiendish imp mash up an old moog in tandem with his Apple mac. Now that's an art.

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